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&a heart like a g u n

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[07 May 2010|11:43pm]



Not so fast baaaaby.


98% of my journal entries are now friend's only.

If you want in, simply leave a comment here.

I'm not too particular about who I add, just make sure we have a few things in common first.
45

[21 Jun 2009|01:41pm]
Well hmm, it's Father's Day and I'm without a father for the second year now. I broke down and cried while listening to 'Stealing Cinderella' in the car earlier, but other than that, I have been holding it together quite well.

My best friend is coming in from Ohio today to spend the next two days with me, so that should make life easier :)

In case you're not a friend on Myspace, I AM pregnant. 15 weeks on Tuesday, actually. I should find out the sex in 5 weeks. I am really hoping for a girl this go around, but I'll take anything healthy.

I plan on creating a real update soon. There is a lot that I need to write about. Livejournal is still 'safe' territory because many people don't even know that this exists.
10

[24 Jul 2008|09:49pm]
Our bathtub has been backed up for WEEKS. Meaning, the tub is still draining from our morning showers when I get home from work at 6pm. I have called the office THREE TIMES THIS MONTH for this very reason, and they come and dump half a bottle of drain-o down the damn thing and assume that the problem is fixed. I have been having to give Kaiden a bath in the kitchen sink because I am so repulsed that my own feet even have to touch this godforsaken bathtub. I called the office this morning and told them, yet again, about the backup and now the mold and they said that they would take care of it today. I am giving them until tomorrow and then I am calling the health department. This is fucking ridiculous. 685$ worth of ridiculous.

I
am
livid.

I am otherwise content with life at the moment. I am going to sleep for now. I will give a proper update soon :)
2

Life. [22 Mar 2008|06:05pm]
Matt and I have been together for four years, on April 10th. He suprised me last night with a diamond journey necklace! His birthday is on the 2nd and I got him a really nice Fossil watch that he has been wanting. We are awful at trying to keep secrets, haha!

We have been getting along so perfectly lately. He has been really attentive to my feelings& I have been working on trust issues. We don't really argue anymore because we've eliminated the things that we were arguing over. He came home with flowers for me one day this week, and has been an amazing help with Kaiden and an awesome father. I love him with all of me and I hope that this is the turning point for our relationship.

Kaid will be 3 on May 7th! Holy crap has time flown by. He is currently obsessed with Power Rangers, Batman, Ninja Turtles, etc. I've been told that I need to put him in Karate because he is a pow pow'ing freak.

We went to my father's grave this morning and left him a bunny and some Reese's (his favorite) for Easter. Kaid understands that Pappaw is 'in the sky and in the ground' now, which is kind of nice. He didn't understand why we were leaving things on a flower pot for Pappaw. He tells me 'Mommy no cry, pappaw come back!' When I tell him that Pappaw had to leave because his body was sick, he tells me 'He's better mom, he come back'. Little guy will understand someday.
2

[30 Dec 2007|05:23pm]
I have always had a strange fear that Kaiden would grow up being as anal as Matt& I both are.


If he sees a thread loose on anything, he wants it removed ASAP. Same goes with tags on shirts, stuffed animals, toys, etc. He just made me take the cloth tags out of the inside of his snowboots.

He also HATES to get his hands dirty. Most kids love getting messy and playing in messy things, but he hates it. He won't eat 'finger foods' and when he gets anything on his fingers, he immediately starts getting upset. Most of the time, he doesn't eat much at school for this very reason.


I don't know whether to laugh or cry, haha.


Now, I'm off to talk about 'nice touch, mean touch' with him.

[18 Sep 2007|10:57pm]
Going back to work tomorrow. Have to be up (and moving) at 7.30am.

I can't sleep.


Fuck.


Kaiden and I visited my father's grave today. Kaiden and Pappaw used to watch Spongebob everytime we visited, so we left a Spongebob Christmas ornament on his grave. Kaiden couldn't figure out why we were leaving Spongebob on a pile of dirt, poor guy. He kept saying 'No, my Spongebob, mommy!' I don't know how to explain death to a two year old, so we just tell him that Pappaw is in Heaven with Jesus or that he went ni-night. I spend countless hours crying and telling him that he'll understand when he's older.

My life is a mess in every aspect of it.

[12 Sep 2007|08:26am]
Growing up, my father and I were extremely close. All of my best childhood memories involved him. He and my mother were never married, and seperated when I was 3 or so. I have memories of a fun filled, care free childhood, thanks to him. My father wasn't a man of money, but he never failed to give me whatever my heart desired. For a few years, we started losing touch; he started becomming addicted to various prescription drugs. (This was hidden from me a child, but I started picking up on it as I got older.) I remember crying for him in the middle of the night, much like I do now.

I'm his only daughter and it really showed. I was daddy's little girl, and he was definitely wrapped around my finger. I have a brother who is 13 years older than me. My father never really had a relationship with him, even up untill the day he died. We had a really nice Christmas together last year. First time that all of us had been together in years. Daddy finally got to meet his other grandchild, Cora. She's a few months older than Kaiden. I'm really glad we have those memories and pictures as a reflection of such a wonderful day for my father.

My daddy was so worried about me being out on my own. He constantly told me to buckle up and lock my doors. He'd call and invite Kaiden and I to dinner to make sure that we were eating right. Most of the time, we'd make dinner plans and he'd call asking to reschedule because he wasn't feeling well. I always understood. We did have a lot of really good dinners together, though. Kaiden loved to sit on Pappaw's lap and Pappaw always found Spongebob somewhere in his 400 channels for Kaiden. My father once told me that he was more attached to Kaiden than he was to me, when I was a baby. Kaiden was his entire life. First thing he'd say to me when he called was 'How is Little Lee doing?' He couldn't always tolerate Kaiden for long periods of time due to his illness. Part of that probably came out of frustration for not being able to do the things that he wanted to do with him. He could hardly lift Kaiden towards the end. I know that there were so many things he wanted to show Kaiden and couldn't.

I still have 4 voicemails from him saved on my cellphone. Whenever I need to hear his voice, I will always have it right there with me. I am still in disbelief. I woke up this morning feeling 'normal' then I looked down and saw his old tee shirt in bed with me and it suddenly came back to me.

I have to go make funeral arrangements in less than an hour. I also need to take all of my father's pictures to my stepdad to start on the dvd for my father's showing. This is really real.

I fucking miss him so much already. I feel like this is literally killing me, too.
3

[11 Sep 2007|06:59pm]
My father passed away around noon today. 9-11-07.

I just spent the last 5 hours at the hospital, holding his cold, lifeless body in an even colder hospital bed. I can honestly say that I feel like a different person; a huge part of me went with him.

I didn't get to be there, because they had my contact information switched around, and it happened too suddenly. I was actually about to shower and head up there when I got the phone call saying he was already gone. I will always remember that phone call. I've been told that he passed on rather peacefully. He couldn't catch his breath (dispite efforts from the nurses) and all of his organs failed him. We'll never know for sure, because we denied an autopsy. We were also told that he had some kind of huge infection in his lungs, most likely pneumonia.

Since he wasn't remarried, all of the legal matter falls in my hands. I get the last decision on what happens with his body. Still not sure how I feel about that. We meet with the funeral director tomorrow morning to agree on a final arrangement. As far as I know, the funeral and viewing with both be on Friday.

As for myself, I am doing okay. Taking some time off work, obviously. I go through moments of absolute sadness& regret to feeling at peace and relieved that he's not suffering anymore. My eyes burn from crying so much, and I just want to sleep forever.

Tonight I'm meeting with a few family members to compile a slide show of pictures for his viewing. I will most likely not answer my phone, because talking seems to be really hard right now. Thank you to all of you who have tried calling& emailing me. Tina - thank you so much for showing up at the hospital, it meant a lot to me, even though I wasn't the best company.
9

[11 Sep 2007|12:45am]
Here I am, it's 11.44 at night. I just got home from the hospital. I made myself leave his side, in order to come home and get some sleep to prepare myself for another day tomorrow. Here I am doing exactly the opposite and feeling terribly guilty about it.

I still can't believe this day has come. The day where I am old enough to fully comprehend the truth, the sorrow and the tears of family members. My father is dying. My father is dying. My father is dying.

I walked into a room of tears, unaware of anything out of the ordinary. Sure, I had seen this a million times before, but not this bad. My father's legs are so cold, purple and swollen that I cannot even comprehend how they haven't physically exploded. The first thing I said to him was 'Daddy, your legs are really swollen, how come they aren't going down this time?' All I heard was sobbing and I knew that I was about to hear something terrible, god awful. I had just talked to him the night before and he sounded healthy and vibrant. I told him that I was proud of him for staying in the hospital and wanting to get better, and he told me that he 'Was proud of himself, too' and that 'He would stay there untill he was well enough to take care of his babes'. I never expected this.

'It's bad this time. It could be just days, Jenn. His kidney's have failed him and his body is filling with toxins that they have been trying to get rid of. This has now reached a point that is irreversable. Nothing is working and his body is too weak for dialysis.'

Now all we can do is wait. Wait for a miracle that may never happen. Wait for that phone call that may come tonight, tomorrow, next week, month or year.

I go from feeling completely at peace with whatever may come, to feeling like I want to end my life before I have to face the most heartbreaking moment of mine. I have never felt more alone and afraid in my entire life. The only thing stopping me from driving my car into a tree - is my son.

Please hug your parents, let them know how much they mean to you, visit them often& never take living in the same town for granted.

I may lose my father in the next couple of days or weeks. I am trying to stay optimistic but I am done being naive. I am doing my best to prepare myself for the worst as I am hoping for the best. Whatever the outcome, I will always be Daddy's Little Girl.

You're the one person that never let me down. You always let me know that you cared as I was growing up, even if it was just by yelling at me to put my seatbelt on as I drove away with my mother. Sometimes I even drove away with my seatbelt undone just to hear the concern in your voice as you were screaming out the screen door after me. You have never ever put me down or made me feel stupid about the choices I have made while trying to 'find myself'. Your gorgeous blonde haired, blue eyed 'baby girl' dyed her hair every color of the rainbow and you had nothing but unconditional love for me. Sure, you were discouraged at times but you were never hurtful. The day that I had to tell you that I was pregnant, broke my heart, too. You only wanted to the best for me. Turns out, Kaiden was the love of your life. You swore you wouldn't be at the hospital when I delivered him, but you were right by my side every step of the way. You cut Kaiden's cord and he took your middle name. He sure does love his Pappaw.

I want to thank you for all of the times that you were there for me. It's not about money or material things. You gave me all the love that I could have ever needed. You've showed me that not all men are heartless bastards and that father's really DO know best. You gave me a roof over my head when I had nowhere else to turn, undying love when I made stupid life-changing choices. Most importantly - you gave me life. I will always love you and remember all of the memories that we have shared. I will not remember you how I saw you tonight.

It's not over yet.

All I want to do now is crawl into bed with the one little man who will always be a walking reminder of his 'pappaw'. Here's to hoping that tonight will carry on in a positive way
3

[03 Sep 2007|10:57pm]
I love the smells of Autumn. I am terribly anxious to see Summer go. By now, I hate all of my summer clothes& am ready to pull the hoodies out. I bought a Cranberry& Cider soy candle and it smells amazing. It reminds me of fall, hay rides, haunted houses& bon fires. I seriously cannot wait for all of those things!


I really think I am beginning to strongly dislike you and every word that comes out of your mouth. I thought that I loved you but maybe I have this love thing all wrong. In my warped reality, I thought that maybe this could work if we gave it time but this has been nothing but failure after failure, lie after lie.

Hopefully a new year will grant me peace in some way. I'm just going to keep trying to hold on for dear life& hope that I will find some light at the end of this 'tunnel' soon. Maybe even a piece of mind along the way.

Hopefully this week flies by faster than I can grasp.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

[02 Sep 2007|10:45pm]
I just applied at Nannies4hire.com

My friend is a nanny and has been making 500$ a week for a family of 3 children.

I'd really love to be a live-out nanny for a nice family. It's not that I am unhappy with my current job, it's just that 24 four year olds can be quite overwhelming. I'd love something smaller& more personal. Not to mention, I'd love for Kaiden to be able to come to work with me everyday.

Anyways, I figured I'd give it a shot. We'll see where it goes.
2

[26 Aug 2007|09:46pm]
If you're not already my friend on Myspace, friend me!

www.myspace.com/inxdustxrial

I just uploaded MONTHS WORTH of photos of Kaiden on my Photobucket. Due to dial up, I haven't felt like messing with it, but I took some great pictures today and decided to upload all the others, as well.

Username = inxdustxrial

Password = jenjen
1

[22 Jul 2007|11:07am]
Does anyone else take B vitamins?

I have heard a lot of good things about B Complex vitamins from girls at work so I decided to buy some and try them out.

Do I still need to take my One a Day Energy vitamin on top of this?

How long does it take to actually feel the results?
4

[31 May 2007|09:37pm]
Finally after getting over my first terrible ear infection, I woke up the other morning with the same excruciating pain in my left ear. (While still on Amoxicillion, I may add!) It was bearable for the first day or so but yesterday, after swimming, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the MedCheck clinic for the second time to see what was going on. I have another ear infection, but this time my eardrum has ruptured. They switched me from Amoxicillion to Augmentin and gave me ear drops for the pain. The pain is unbearable. It feels like a million needles piercing my ear drum. Not only is the pain in the inside of my ear, but surrounding my entire outer ear, all the way down through my jaw/throat. I've never gotten ear infections as an adult, and I really hope this isn't the start of an ongoing trend. I hope that this antibiotic can clear it up and keep it away!


On another note, I am so thankful that my two year old son still lets me rock him to sleep every night.
4

[28 May 2007|08:45am]
I'm an 'insecure and jealous bitch' because YOU didn't get home from the race (that ended at 8p) untill 1 am?! Not to mention, you were supposed to come HERE after the race. You think that you can't do any wrong, and I'm fed up. Don't accuse me of being jealous and insecure when you're the one that didn't call or show up. There are no excuses. No other girl would have put up with your stupidity for this long, don't fool yourself.
4

[22 May 2007|10:39pm]
It appears as though we'll be moving (again) this August!

Kaiden and I are currently in an income based apartment community where I was paying 212$ in rent, based on my income alone. Matt has been parking his car here and staying here 3-5 nights a week. They gave us an ultimatum (finally, 8 months after we move in?). He can either a) be legal and go on my income or b) get a no trespassing citation against him and be arrested the next time they see him out here. Obviously we went with choice A and added him to my lease.

Now we're paying 665$ a month. No washer/dryer, dishwasher, playground, pool, etc. My apartment is rather nice for the community that we live in. I live in a newer apartment and since we pay utilities in this phase, we get our apartments 'updated' when they have the funds. (IE: New cabinet fronts, tile, paved parking lots, etc) That's not enough to keep me here for 665$. Matt actually agreed to pay 599$ at another NEW apartment complex a few miles away and go on my lease. We'll have two bedrooms and two FULL BATHROOMS, a washer& dryer, dishwasher, and a pool. I'm actually quite excited for our new apartment, but I don't look forward to packing and moving again.
2

[06 Apr 2007|10:13pm]
I probably won't update this anymore or unless something life changing happens.

I don't think anyone reads this& it isn't worth my time/effort to update anymore. Livejournal has been dead lately, anyways.

I'll still read my friend's pages, though.
5

[24 Mar 2007|11:29pm]


+ KaidenCollapse )
2

[19 Feb 2007|10:33pm]
What in the hell is wrong with Britney Spears?

...
2

[13 Feb 2007|05:48pm]
Holy facking snow! + a few other pictures!

Blizzard, Kaid, CarCollapse )
5

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